36 Questions to Fall in Love: Science-Backed Guide [2024]

36 Questions to Fall in Love: A Science-Backed Path to Deep Connection

What Are the 36 Questions to Fall in Love?

The "36 Questions to Fall in Love" represents a groundbreaking psychological study published by Dr. Arthur Aron and Dr. Elaine Aron in 1997. This research, formally titled "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness," has become a cultural phenomenon, especially after being featured in Mandy Len Catron's viral New York Times Modern Love essay, "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This."

It's important to note that the original study focused on creating closeness between strangers in a laboratory setting, rather than specifically inducing romantic love. The questions gained renewed attention in 2015 when Mandy Len Catron's Modern Love essay explored their potential for a romantic connection, leading to widespread popular interest and various applications beyond the original research context.

The Science Behind the Questions

Based on Aron's research and subsequent studies, these questions work through:

• Structured and gradual self-disclosure
• Reciprocal sharing of personal information
• Progressive increase in question intimacy
• Creating opportunities for mutual empathy and understanding

Structured and gradual self-disclosure

Reciprocal sharing of personal information

Progressive increase in question intimacy

Creating opportunities for mutual empathy and understanding

How to Use the 36 Questions Effectively

Creating the Right Environment for Connection

Preparation:

• Choose a quiet, comfortable space
• Plan for 90+ minutes without interruptions
• Consider ambient factors (lighting, seating)

Choose a quiet, comfortable space

Plan for 90+ minutes without interruptions

Consider ambient factors (lighting, seating)

During the Experience:

• Practice active listening (maintain eye contact, avoid interrupting)
• Honor emotional responses (allow silence, accept reactions)
• Show genuine interest through follow-up questions
• Take turns answering each question fully
• Stay present rather than planning your next response

Practice active listening (maintain eye contact, avoid interrupting)

Honor emotional responses (allow silence, accept reactions)

Show genuine interest through follow-up questions

Take turns answering each question fully

Stay present rather than planning your next response

The Questions: A Deep Dive

Set I: Opening/Rapport Building (Questions 1-12)

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Would you like to be famous? In what way?

Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?

When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II: Deeper Exploration (Questions 13-24)

1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
2. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
4. What do you value most in a friendship?
5. What is your most treasured memory?
6. What is your most terrible memory?
7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
8. What does friendship mean to you?
9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?

What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

What do you value most in a friendship?

What is your most treasured memory?

What is your most terrible memory?

If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

What does friendship mean to you?

What roles do love and affection play in your life?

Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?

How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III: Deepest Intimacy/Closeness (Questions 25-36)

1. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."
2. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
7. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."

Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."

If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.

Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Beyond Romance: Alternative Applications

Professional Development (e.g., "Use selected questions during team retreats")

• Team building exercises
• Mentorship programs
• Leadership development
• Cross-cultural understanding

Team building exercises

Mentorship programs

Leadership development

Cross-cultural understanding

Family Bonding (e.g., "Adapt questions for parent-teen discussions")

• Parent-child relationships
• Sibling connections
• Extended family gatherings
• Family therapy sessions
• Use Kindred Tales to capture and preserve family stories that emerge from these conversations
• Create a lasting legacy of family connections through guided storytelling

Parent-child relationships

Sibling connections

Extended family gatherings

Family therapy sessions

Use Kindred Tales to capture and preserve family stories that emerge from these conversations

Create a lasting legacy of family connections through guided storytelling

Personal Growth (e.g., "Use as journaling prompts for self-reflection")

• Self-reflection exercises
• Journaling prompts
• Therapy sessions
• Personal development workshops

Self-reflection exercises

Journaling prompts

Therapy sessions

Personal development workshops

Preserving Your Journey

Consider documenting your experience with these questions. Creating a record of your answers and insights can provide:

• A meaningful keepsake
• Reference for future conversations
• Personal growth tracking
• Relationship milestone documentation

A meaningful keepsake

Reference for future conversations

Personal growth tracking

Relationship milestone documentation

Scientific Research and Further Reading

Core Research Studies

1. Original Study: "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness" (1997)Authors: Arthur Aron, Edward Melinat, Elaine N. Aron, Robert Darrin Vallone, and Renee J. BatorPublished in: Personality and Social Psychology BulletinKey Finding: The study established that interpersonal closeness could be accelerated through structured self-disclosure exercisesDOI: 10.1177/0146167297234003
2. "Relationship Formation on the Internet: What's the Big Attraction?" (2002)Authors: Katelyn Y. A. McKenna, Amie S. Green, Marci E. J. GleasonPublished in: Journal of Social IssuesKey Finding: Self-disclosure depth correlates strongly with relationship formation qualityDOI: 10.1111/1540-4560.00246 First Published: December 17, 2002

Original Study: "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness" (1997)

• Authors: Arthur Aron, Edward Melinat, Elaine N. Aron, Robert Darrin Vallone, and Renee J. Bator
• Published in: Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin
• Key Finding: The study established that interpersonal closeness could be accelerated through structured self-disclosure exercises
• DOI: 10.1177/0146167297234003

Authors: Arthur Aron, Edward Melinat, Elaine N. Aron, Robert Darrin Vallone, and Renee J. Bator

Published in: Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin

Key Finding: The study established that interpersonal closeness could be accelerated through structured self-disclosure exercises

DOI: 10.1177/0146167297234003

"Relationship Formation on the Internet: What's the Big Attraction?" (2002)

• Authors: Katelyn Y. A. McKenna, Amie S. Green, Marci E. J. Gleason
• Published in: Journal of Social Issues
• Key Finding: Self-disclosure depth correlates strongly with relationship formation quality
• DOI: 10.1111/1540-4560.00246
• First Published: December 17, 2002

Authors: Katelyn Y. A. McKenna, Amie S. Green, Marci E. J. Gleason

Published in: Journal of Social Issues

Key Finding: Self-disclosure depth correlates strongly with relationship formation quality

DOI: 10.1111/1540-4560.00246

First Published: December 17, 2002

Popular Science Coverage

• "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This" (2015)Author: Mandy Len CatronPublished in: The New York Times Modern Love columnImpact: Popularized the 36 Questions through real-world application and personal experienceLink: Modern Love Column

"To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This" (2015)

• Author: Mandy Len Catron
• Published in: The New York Times Modern Love column
• Impact: Popularized the 36 Questions through real-world application and personal experience
• Link: Modern Love Column

Author: Mandy Len Catron

Published in: The New York Times Modern Love column

Impact: Popularized the 36 Questions through real-world application and personal experience

Link: Modern Love Column

Recommended Reading

1. Books on Relationship Science "The Science of Trust" by John Gottman (2011)"Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (2012)"The All-or-Nothing Marriage" by Eli J. Finkel (2017)
2. Academic Resources The Gottman Institute's Research Library Journal of Social and Personal RelationshipsPersonal Relationships (Journal)
3. Online ResourcesThe Modern Love Column - New York TimesThe Greater Good Science Center - UC BerkeleyThe Science of Relationships

Books on Relationship Science

• "The Science of Trust" by John Gottman (2011)
• "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (2012)
• "The All-or-Nothing Marriage" by Eli J. Finkel (2017)

"The Science of Trust" by John Gottman (2011)

"Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (2012)

"The All-or-Nothing Marriage" by Eli J. Finkel (2017)

Academic Resources

• The Gottman Institute's Research Library
• Journal of Social and Personal Relationships
• Personal Relationships (Journal)

The Gottman Institute's Research Library

Journal of Social and Personal Relationships

Personal Relationships (Journal)

Online Resources

• The Modern Love Column - New York Times
• The Greater Good Science Center - UC Berkeley
• The Science of Relationships

The Modern Love Column - New York Times

The Greater Good Science Center - UC Berkeley

The Science of Relationships

Note: For the most current research and findings, readers are encouraged to consult academic databases and recent publications in psychological journals.

Current Applications

Research continues to explore the 36 Questions' effectiveness in various contexts:

• Virtual and online relationships
• Professional development and team building
• Educational settings
• Cross-cultural communication

Virtual and online relationships

Professional development and team building

Educational settings

Cross-cultural communication

Conclusion

The 36 Questions to Fall in Love offer more than just a path to romance—they provide a structured approach to building meaningful connections in any relationship context. Whether used with a potential partner, family member, or friend, these questions can help create deeper understanding and lasting bonds.

Preserving Your Journey with Kindred Tales

While experiencing the 36 Questions creates meaningful moments, capturing these conversations can provide lasting value. Kindred Tales, a digital storytelling service, offers a unique way to document your journey:

• Update our standard writing prompts with the 36 questions found here or others you've personally crafted
• Receive questions weekly in your inbox to help guide your writing
• Use Ali, our AI Biographer to help interview and reflect on your experience with those questions
• Ali can help transform your conversations into professionally written first drafts
• Use our Speech-to-Text services to eliminate the time and inconvenience of typing
• Create a beautiful hardcover keepsake book of your relationship journey

Update our standard writing prompts with the 36 questions found here or others you've personally crafted

Receive questions weekly in your inbox to help guide your writing

Use Ali, our AI Biographer to help interview and reflect on your experience with those questions

Ali can help transform your conversations into professionally written first drafts

Use our Speech-to-Text services to eliminate the time and inconvenience of typing

Create a beautiful hardcover keepsake book of your relationship journey

Kindred Tales' combination of weekly prompts and AI-powered interviewing can help couples, families, or friends continue building on the foundation established by the 36 Questions.

FAQs

1. How long should answering all questions take?Typically 90 minutes to 2 hours
2. Can these questions guarantee falling in love? No. While the original study demonstrated increased feelings of closeness between strangers, the questions are a tool for creating opportunities for connection, not a guarantee of falling in love.
3. Should you answer all questions in one sitting?While ideal, you can break them into multiple sessions
4. Can these questions help repair relationships?Yes, they can help rebuild intimacy and understanding
5. Is it okay to skip uncomfortable questions?Yes, but pushing through discomfort often leads to breakthrough moments

How long should answering all questions take?

• Typically 90 minutes to 2 hours

Typically 90 minutes to 2 hours

Can these questions guarantee falling in love?

• No. While the original study demonstrated increased feelings of closeness between strangers, the questions are a tool for creating opportunities for connection, not a guarantee of falling in love.

No. While the original study demonstrated increased feelings of closeness between strangers, the questions are a tool for creating opportunities for connection, not a guarantee of falling in love.

Should you answer all questions in one sitting?

• While ideal, you can break them into multiple sessions

While ideal, you can break them into multiple sessions

Can these questions help repair relationships?

• Yes, they can help rebuild intimacy and understanding

Yes, they can help rebuild intimacy and understanding

Is it okay to skip uncomfortable questions?

• Yes, but pushing through discomfort often leads to breakthrough moments

Yes, but pushing through discomfort often leads to breakthrough moments

Remember: The journey to connection is as important as the destination. Take your time, be authentic, and allow the process to unfold naturally.